15/30 Living.

After Malone was first born and for a very long time after he was born, I felt like I was just surviving- barely keeping my head above water. Call it postpartum depression, call it a rough adjustment to motherhood, call it whatever you want. But that was what was true for me. And it was my truth for a really long time.

I didn't start seeing a therapist, instead started going to a MotherWoman group where mother's gather in a space to talk real about motherhood. The space is safe, confidential, and you can speak without being interrupted. The best part of all, no one gives you any advice.

I realized I wasn't alone. I realized that other mothers felt the same way that I did.

This morning, Mike and Malone are out for a run. I am alone and have a quiet house all to myself for a moment. A precious gift.

Now that it's quiet here (and I don't have to worry about when a baby might wake up from a nap), it occurred to me that I'm no longer surviving. I am living. AGAIN.

I am taking every moment I can to enjoy life. And boy, is there a lot to enjoy! I don't know when the shift happened, or how long it took me to realize it.

I guess I don't really know what the point of this blog today is. And I'm not sure that many of you will even understand where I'm coming from. I think it's one of those things where if you haven't suffered from PPD then it may be hard to understand. I guess maybe today's post is to give a shout out to you mother's out there who aren't really enjoying things. I've been there. Not enjoying life is not the same as not loving our babies. Just keep on keeping on. I hope someday you can also get to the place again where I am today. It's magical. And it's special and extraordinary, especially since it wasn't like this for a long time.

14/30 The thing about summer.

I can slowly feel summer winding down.
Summer winding down means change.
Change I want but am not ready for yet.

11, 12, 13/30 Wicked smaht.

Because the work at home job as picked up again, a short 3-in-1 for you tonight.

This morning I changed Malone's diaper (full of blueberry poo... ew!), and put him into the pack in play so I could check my work email before we started the day. When I turned around a few minutes later, I found him naked and smiling. I found his diaper full of more blueberry poo.

Thats right boys and girls, my kid poo'ed in his diaper and then removed it himself. Not only that, he did not feel the need to play in it and there was really just the mess of me cleaning him up like usual to take care of.

My kid may not sleep, but he's wicked smaht (smart for all of you non Boston accent people).

10/30 Semi Fail.

Malone made it clear to us last night that he is not ready to begin night weaning. I had a sneaking suspicion, and I was right. I should have listened to my mommy instinct instead of pushing forward because today I am beyond tired.

I nursed Malone around 10:15 and he went back to sleep just fine. He was up again around midnight. I tapped Mike to let him know (he is so used to sleeping through the monitor). Malone did not scream his brains out, but Mike could not get him back to sleep. He tried all of his tricks, singing, rocking, patting, etc. After about 25 minutes, I came in and rescued them both.

Here is where the night went down hill for me. Because Mike wasn't able to get Malone to sleep, Malone was WIDE AWAKE and ready to party. So, we were all three wide awake in the middle of the night instead of just Malone and I being semi awake for 5 minutes before falling back asleep.

I could not get him settled and it literally took me three hours to get Malone to sleep "for the night" again. The following was repeated three times, nursing until drowsy but awake, putting Malone in the crib and patting his back, heading back to bed, staring at the ceiling worrying about stupid stuff (like the merits of aqua vs teal in polo shirts for little boys), and nodding off only to not make it to full sleep because Malone woke up again.

I finally ended up bringing him into bed with us around 3:30. He slept (and nursed) until almost seven.

I'm tired today for sure, but hanging in there. We would have been better off just sticking with our usual routine last night.

This morning I was poking around in his mouth and discovered that either his top molars or eye teeth are coming in. That certainly explains why last night was not successful. However, I hesitate to call last night a complete fail. There were times when I was able to get Malone back to sleep without nursing and that is new for us.

Mike and I talked about it today and have decided to try again in a few weeks. It's difficult because Malone is a higher needs guy. He does not cry it out well. We tried a few times before and he does not really seem able to calm/self soothe himself down. This is typical of high needs kids. Also, he doesn't/will not take a pacifier or suck his fingers. Nor has he attached to a lovey.

In other words, he still needs us/me. And it is our job as parents to be flexible and patient with him as we nurture his independence and meet his needs.

9/30 Conflicted.

Night Weaning Day 1

At Malone's 12 month (almost a full month late due to scheduling conflicts) appointment, the doctor suggested that he may be ready to night wean. She also said he may not be ready, but it was certainly okay to try. In other words, he should have the capacity to go a seven or eight hour stretch without nursing.

On a good night, our nursing schedule is 6:30 (bed time), 10:30, 2:30, and 4:00 (at which point he comes into bed with us). Tonight, I will take the first 10:30 (give or take) feeding and Mike will take over from there. Our hope is that Malone will be able to be soothed to sleep by Daddy or take a drink of water if he's thirsty but not need me.

Since they day he was born, I have been the primary nighttime parent because Mike works. Tonight, the tables turn. It's a strange feeling, to want your baby not to need you. I have to admit that I don't really dig it.

But on the other hand.... Sleep! Oh glorious sleep! To think that I could potentially get 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep- I'm giddy just thinking about the idea. It's been almost 13 months since I didn't have to get up in the night. And, if you count the zillion times I had to go to the bathroom my last few months of pregnancy, it's probably been close to 16.

I know we've got a challenge ahead of us tonight and in the next coming days. I plan to blog about how it's going, so stay tuned for that. The pediatrician said to give it a full week and see how it goes.

If it doesn't go well, I'm not sure I'll be able to last that long.

8/30 Insert some funny story here.

Go ahead and insert a funny story right here. Seriously, tonight I don't have much to give. I've got a baby who is cutting molars and napped 20 minutes total today. Bed time took an hour and a half. It's been "one of those days."

I hear the ice cream man. Gotta run!

7/30 Almost Famous.

There is a little place in town that Mike and I adore, especially because they serve awesome breakfast. This place focuses on using local ingredients as much as possible. Close your eyes and picture it with me, farm fresh eggs, potatoes so fresh they still taste a little sweet, and veggies that did not travel via airplane to be part of your omelet.

This place has self serve coffee and you can choose your favorite mug off of their mug tree. A great deal of the our story has taken place here. We became regulars of sorts, waking up early on Sunday mornings to beat the breakfast crowd. While we didn't always know the names of the people who worked there, we knew their faces and they knew ours.

Early in my pregnancy with Malone, I had a craving that could only be curbed by this place. At least twice and sometimes three times a week, I drove 20 minutes out of my way to go there on my way to work. If you know anything about pregnancy cravings, you know that when you have one you will go at great lengths to satisfy them.

I began ordering my own concoction, aka the most sinful breakfast sandwich on the face of the earth- a grilled (with butter) everything bagel with cream cheese, cheddar cheese, and bacon. This affectionately became known as "the pregnant lady special" and there were days they had one ready for me before I even arrived.

After Malone was born, we attempted and failed at our usual Sunday breakfast routine (thanks mid-morning nap) and we hadn't been back to our little place until today.

As soon as we walked through the door, one of the servers recognized me.

"Hey, I was just thinking about you!" she said excitedly. "

"How are you? Look! There's your baby... boy he's cute."

"My partner and I were playing the what if game and I asked her if she was on death row what would be her last meal. She said hands down it would be the pregnant lady special! She thinks it's the best breakfast sandwich ever. She even thinks we should put it on the menu!"

So there you have it, my heart attack on a bagel sandwich invention and I are almost famous.

6/30 It's Not Me- Midweek Edtion.

This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week

It's Not Me- Midweek edition.

I do not ordinarily think the man who drives the ice cream truck around our neighborhood each summer night must be some kind of creep with no life. I have not thought this about him since the first time I heard his jingle bells ring to let all of the kids know that he was making his rounds.

He does not drive a tricked out revived from the junk yard ice cream truck. And, I do not secretly judge parents who give their kids money to have a face to face encounter with the ice cream man.

I do not listen to the ice cream jingle every night at 7:00 pm and make horrifically awful assumptions about a person I have never met.

Tonight, when I heard the familiar tune come rolling down the street I did not sprint into the bedroom and ask my husband if he wanted something.

He did not say "A Choco Taco please."

I did not scramble through the house, searching for loose change and dollar bills.

I was not so excited to see that I hadn't missed the ice cream man that I jumped up and down on our sidewalk and waved like some sort high school cheerleader.

When the ice cream man pulled over, I was not overcome with indecision about which ice cream bar to choose.

The ice cream man did not smile patiently at me while I searched and looked at each ice cream illustration, comparing and contrasting the Bomb Pop vs the one with the candy crunch center.

When I got back into the house, I did not realize I had no bra on.

I do not think the ice cream man is still creepy.

5/30 I want.

Malone had 4 first birthday parties due to the fact that we have family and friends spread from here Cape Cod to IL. He had 1 party in IL, 1 party with friends and family here in the valley, 1 big group party with all of his little friends who are also turning 1 this summer, and 1 party on the Cape with our Cape family.

We started a tradition of having guests sign a children's book. The book we choose for this year was Dr. Suess's Happy Birthday To You.

Below is part of my birthday letter to Malone.

You have taught me so much this pat year. You have grown from a 7 pound 11 ounce newborn into a 23 pound tike. I've grown into the person I have always wanted to be, a mom. Your mom. I want you to know that I have done my very best to savor our first year together.

We have spent a lot of time together looking face to face as you nursed. We have witnessed one of God's greatest gifts- the sunrise. There were nights you had to be held and rocked because you were sick. I held you close, listening to your every breath and just felt so thankful and happy that you are mine (and Daddy's).

The love I feel for you makes my heart tingle- it is stronger than the rays of the sun and deeper than the deepest part of the ocean. I never knew this love existed until I had you. (I love your Daddy very much, but it is a different kind of love).

There are so many things I want for you, poodle pie and at times I get overwhelmed just thinking about it. As your mom there is so much on my shoulders to make sure you get everything you need.

I want for you to grow up respecting others and seeing the opportunity you have to learn from those who are different.

I want for you to value education and to care about the world.

I want for you to know what it feels like to truly be part of a community and to be a good community member.

I want for you to know how to make good financial decisions and to own your own home.

I want for you to savor life and to see the beauty in simplicity.

I want you to know that you'll be okay when/if the love of your life breaks your heart.

I want for you to know that Dad and I will always be here for you and I want you to feel safe talking to us.

I want you to remember your roots and spend time learning your family history from your elders.

I want you to know how to be a good friend.

I want you to know the satisfaction of a job well done.

I want you to travel and experience as much of the world as you can.

I want you to be open to trying new things.

I want you to find a meaningful way to give back- remember that saving the world starts in your own back yard.

I want you to taste the goodness that is local produce and a perfectly grilled steak.

I want you to love, to love deeply, and to love with your whole heart.

As your Mommy, I will do my best to help you discover and grow. I promise to teach you all that I know. I will give you as many experiences and opportunities as I can to help you grow into the man I want you to be. I will try my hardest to nurture your interests and foster your talents. In the words of Abe Lincoln, "Whatever you are, be a good one."

I love you my little snuggle puppy.
Happy First Birthday.

Love,
Mommy

4/30 Cheating.

I'm tired, hot, and just home from vacation. This weekend Steven, Carrie, and my nephew Andrew joined us on Cape Cod. Below are my favorite pictures from our trip to the beach.

At the beach where they spent almost summer day of the childhood playing at, two brothers and their sons walk towards the water during low tide.

Auntie Carrie and Malone share a melty coconut ice pop.



A cute one of our little family of three.

3/30 4 in Blue.

Last night, 4 Marines came to my hometown in their Dress Blues. They found the mother of the fallen soldier at work. Today, my small town of 2500 mourns the loss of a young soldier who was killed in Afghanistan. The kid was a year younger than I was.

Now that I have a son, the thought of another mother losing her son makes my heart weep.

2/30 And then it was for us.

I'm not an overtly religious person. I know what I believe and why I believe it and if you don't care to believe the same thing as me, I'm okay with that.

Whenever I am driving and meet an ambulance or fire truck, I always say a quick little prayer for whomever the EMTs or firemen are going to rescue. I've done this for the better part of 18 years. The prayer isn't fancy. I don't always say it out loud, but I always say a quick little something. If it's an ambulance, I pray for a speedy recovery and wisdom for the EMTs, nurses, and doctors the person hurt might encounter. If it's a fire truck, I pray for the safety of the firemen, the safety of the family and animals who may be in the fire, and that the family's most prized photographs and life mementos would be spared.

I've been lucky and blessed to never have really been on the other side of these prayers, save for the time I had to call 911 because I burnt my tater tots. I had a pretty good streak going. Until Sunday when Malone pulled down Meme's towel rack and sliced his index finger open.

To say that I were scared is an understatement. I was paralyzed with fear, but had to continue to care for and comfort Malone.

There was a LOT of blood and we couldn't see how deep the wound was. I was sure we were headed for the ER for a few stitches. The EMT's were able to get the bleeding to stop after about 30 minutes and it wasn't long before Malone was his usual self again.

After the EMT's left, I realized how much those 18 years of prayers really meant someone in crisis. And I hoped that someone out there prayed for us as they pulled over to let the ambulance go by.

Challenge 1/30. Should I stay or should I go?

I've been at home with Malone now for almost exactly 12.5 months. If you count the amount of time I was on bedrest, I've been home with Malone for closer to 14 months. In any case, I've been out of the office world for awhile. That doesn't mean that I haven't been working, I have a wonderful part time work at home gig. I work for a company that I am completely over the moon about in terms of the product they put out and the way they handle their business. The job I do is flexible- it doesn't have to be done during a set time of day. I receive assignments with deadlines and as long as I can meet the deadline it doesn't matter what time of the day I chose to work.

It sounds like a mother's dream- a flexible (and legitimate) work at home job that pays well with flexible hours. And for most other moms it probably is.

The challenge I've found with this position is that there are just not enough hours in the day for me to get everything done. I am with Malone all day and on most days start working as soon as supper is over and he is in bed, finishing just in time for me to go to bed. Rinse, lather, repeat. Somewhere in there, I've got to fit all of the things that come long with being a real grown up- the bills, the laundry, cleaning the house, and finding a little time for me.

On the other side of the coin, this position has given me the chance to be my son's primary care giver for every single day of his young life. And we've had a blast together. We've taken day trips to Children's museums, had lunch with daddy and other friends, gone to the movies, gone to farmers markets, gone to story time at the library- the list goes on and on. All of this has been done during the 9-5 work day.

But, at the very end of the day I feel like going back to work is the right thing for me. Especially (and only) if I can get a position in the office of my work at home job. I think that any other position at any other company would not be worth it.

If I get a job in the office, Malone would have to go to daycare. I truly believe that he would have a blast. He is social and outgoing, curious and full of adventure. He's ripe and eager to learn. And I'm oddly okay with it.

After two weeks of going back and forth, trying to work up the nerve to call my old coworker (I used to actually work in this office two years ago), I finally did. Only to hear that right now there are no openings in the office.

I was bummed to say the least. But the thing about the industry is that its really growing. I'm going to check back in with her mid August but until then, I wonder if the grass just seems greener on the other side?

Challenge.

It seems to be that the thing about blogging is that I'm not as faithful to making time for it as I want to be. I desire to write everyday but can't seem to carve out the time to make sure it gets done. I have big hopes and dreams for this blog and I can't achieve them if I don't get in the habit of writing everyday. I'm challenging myself to blog everyday for the next 30 days.