15/30 Living.

After Malone was first born and for a very long time after he was born, I felt like I was just surviving- barely keeping my head above water. Call it postpartum depression, call it a rough adjustment to motherhood, call it whatever you want. But that was what was true for me. And it was my truth for a really long time.

I didn't start seeing a therapist, instead started going to a MotherWoman group where mother's gather in a space to talk real about motherhood. The space is safe, confidential, and you can speak without being interrupted. The best part of all, no one gives you any advice.

I realized I wasn't alone. I realized that other mothers felt the same way that I did.

This morning, Mike and Malone are out for a run. I am alone and have a quiet house all to myself for a moment. A precious gift.

Now that it's quiet here (and I don't have to worry about when a baby might wake up from a nap), it occurred to me that I'm no longer surviving. I am living. AGAIN.

I am taking every moment I can to enjoy life. And boy, is there a lot to enjoy! I don't know when the shift happened, or how long it took me to realize it.

I guess I don't really know what the point of this blog today is. And I'm not sure that many of you will even understand where I'm coming from. I think it's one of those things where if you haven't suffered from PPD then it may be hard to understand. I guess maybe today's post is to give a shout out to you mother's out there who aren't really enjoying things. I've been there. Not enjoying life is not the same as not loving our babies. Just keep on keeping on. I hope someday you can also get to the place again where I am today. It's magical. And it's special and extraordinary, especially since it wasn't like this for a long time.

14/30 The thing about summer.

I can slowly feel summer winding down.
Summer winding down means change.
Change I want but am not ready for yet.

11, 12, 13/30 Wicked smaht.

Because the work at home job as picked up again, a short 3-in-1 for you tonight.

This morning I changed Malone's diaper (full of blueberry poo... ew!), and put him into the pack in play so I could check my work email before we started the day. When I turned around a few minutes later, I found him naked and smiling. I found his diaper full of more blueberry poo.

Thats right boys and girls, my kid poo'ed in his diaper and then removed it himself. Not only that, he did not feel the need to play in it and there was really just the mess of me cleaning him up like usual to take care of.

My kid may not sleep, but he's wicked smaht (smart for all of you non Boston accent people).

10/30 Semi Fail.

Malone made it clear to us last night that he is not ready to begin night weaning. I had a sneaking suspicion, and I was right. I should have listened to my mommy instinct instead of pushing forward because today I am beyond tired.

I nursed Malone around 10:15 and he went back to sleep just fine. He was up again around midnight. I tapped Mike to let him know (he is so used to sleeping through the monitor). Malone did not scream his brains out, but Mike could not get him back to sleep. He tried all of his tricks, singing, rocking, patting, etc. After about 25 minutes, I came in and rescued them both.

Here is where the night went down hill for me. Because Mike wasn't able to get Malone to sleep, Malone was WIDE AWAKE and ready to party. So, we were all three wide awake in the middle of the night instead of just Malone and I being semi awake for 5 minutes before falling back asleep.

I could not get him settled and it literally took me three hours to get Malone to sleep "for the night" again. The following was repeated three times, nursing until drowsy but awake, putting Malone in the crib and patting his back, heading back to bed, staring at the ceiling worrying about stupid stuff (like the merits of aqua vs teal in polo shirts for little boys), and nodding off only to not make it to full sleep because Malone woke up again.

I finally ended up bringing him into bed with us around 3:30. He slept (and nursed) until almost seven.

I'm tired today for sure, but hanging in there. We would have been better off just sticking with our usual routine last night.

This morning I was poking around in his mouth and discovered that either his top molars or eye teeth are coming in. That certainly explains why last night was not successful. However, I hesitate to call last night a complete fail. There were times when I was able to get Malone back to sleep without nursing and that is new for us.

Mike and I talked about it today and have decided to try again in a few weeks. It's difficult because Malone is a higher needs guy. He does not cry it out well. We tried a few times before and he does not really seem able to calm/self soothe himself down. This is typical of high needs kids. Also, he doesn't/will not take a pacifier or suck his fingers. Nor has he attached to a lovey.

In other words, he still needs us/me. And it is our job as parents to be flexible and patient with him as we nurture his independence and meet his needs.

9/30 Conflicted.

Night Weaning Day 1

At Malone's 12 month (almost a full month late due to scheduling conflicts) appointment, the doctor suggested that he may be ready to night wean. She also said he may not be ready, but it was certainly okay to try. In other words, he should have the capacity to go a seven or eight hour stretch without nursing.

On a good night, our nursing schedule is 6:30 (bed time), 10:30, 2:30, and 4:00 (at which point he comes into bed with us). Tonight, I will take the first 10:30 (give or take) feeding and Mike will take over from there. Our hope is that Malone will be able to be soothed to sleep by Daddy or take a drink of water if he's thirsty but not need me.

Since they day he was born, I have been the primary nighttime parent because Mike works. Tonight, the tables turn. It's a strange feeling, to want your baby not to need you. I have to admit that I don't really dig it.

But on the other hand.... Sleep! Oh glorious sleep! To think that I could potentially get 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep- I'm giddy just thinking about the idea. It's been almost 13 months since I didn't have to get up in the night. And, if you count the zillion times I had to go to the bathroom my last few months of pregnancy, it's probably been close to 16.

I know we've got a challenge ahead of us tonight and in the next coming days. I plan to blog about how it's going, so stay tuned for that. The pediatrician said to give it a full week and see how it goes.

If it doesn't go well, I'm not sure I'll be able to last that long.

8/30 Insert some funny story here.

Go ahead and insert a funny story right here. Seriously, tonight I don't have much to give. I've got a baby who is cutting molars and napped 20 minutes total today. Bed time took an hour and a half. It's been "one of those days."

I hear the ice cream man. Gotta run!

7/30 Almost Famous.

There is a little place in town that Mike and I adore, especially because they serve awesome breakfast. This place focuses on using local ingredients as much as possible. Close your eyes and picture it with me, farm fresh eggs, potatoes so fresh they still taste a little sweet, and veggies that did not travel via airplane to be part of your omelet.

This place has self serve coffee and you can choose your favorite mug off of their mug tree. A great deal of the our story has taken place here. We became regulars of sorts, waking up early on Sunday mornings to beat the breakfast crowd. While we didn't always know the names of the people who worked there, we knew their faces and they knew ours.

Early in my pregnancy with Malone, I had a craving that could only be curbed by this place. At least twice and sometimes three times a week, I drove 20 minutes out of my way to go there on my way to work. If you know anything about pregnancy cravings, you know that when you have one you will go at great lengths to satisfy them.

I began ordering my own concoction, aka the most sinful breakfast sandwich on the face of the earth- a grilled (with butter) everything bagel with cream cheese, cheddar cheese, and bacon. This affectionately became known as "the pregnant lady special" and there were days they had one ready for me before I even arrived.

After Malone was born, we attempted and failed at our usual Sunday breakfast routine (thanks mid-morning nap) and we hadn't been back to our little place until today.

As soon as we walked through the door, one of the servers recognized me.

"Hey, I was just thinking about you!" she said excitedly. "

"How are you? Look! There's your baby... boy he's cute."

"My partner and I were playing the what if game and I asked her if she was on death row what would be her last meal. She said hands down it would be the pregnant lady special! She thinks it's the best breakfast sandwich ever. She even thinks we should put it on the menu!"

So there you have it, my heart attack on a bagel sandwich invention and I are almost famous.