15/30 Living.

After Malone was first born and for a very long time after he was born, I felt like I was just surviving- barely keeping my head above water. Call it postpartum depression, call it a rough adjustment to motherhood, call it whatever you want. But that was what was true for me. And it was my truth for a really long time.

I didn't start seeing a therapist, instead started going to a MotherWoman group where mother's gather in a space to talk real about motherhood. The space is safe, confidential, and you can speak without being interrupted. The best part of all, no one gives you any advice.

I realized I wasn't alone. I realized that other mothers felt the same way that I did.

This morning, Mike and Malone are out for a run. I am alone and have a quiet house all to myself for a moment. A precious gift.

Now that it's quiet here (and I don't have to worry about when a baby might wake up from a nap), it occurred to me that I'm no longer surviving. I am living. AGAIN.

I am taking every moment I can to enjoy life. And boy, is there a lot to enjoy! I don't know when the shift happened, or how long it took me to realize it.

I guess I don't really know what the point of this blog today is. And I'm not sure that many of you will even understand where I'm coming from. I think it's one of those things where if you haven't suffered from PPD then it may be hard to understand. I guess maybe today's post is to give a shout out to you mother's out there who aren't really enjoying things. I've been there. Not enjoying life is not the same as not loving our babies. Just keep on keeping on. I hope someday you can also get to the place again where I am today. It's magical. And it's special and extraordinary, especially since it wasn't like this for a long time.

Game Plan.

On Tuesday I had my appointment with the midwife.

Ironically, it was in the "Melone" room. This is the room where we sat with the midwife and she confirmed our pregnancy. This is the room where we sat with the midwife and she confirmed that I was indeed in labor. This is the room where we talked about how hard motherhood can really be and PPD.

After speaking with me for about 45 minutes, she was hesitant to diagnose postpartum depression. She didn't rule it out however.

She gave me the names of two therapists who very well educated in PPD to call, recommended that I exercise as I am able to (but not to pressure myself), and prescribed that I take more time everyday just for ME.

She told me that if this therapy/exercise/ME time plan doesn't help to call her and then we could speak about medication.

I came away from the appointment already feeling better.

I'm already having a hard time fitting the ME time in. It's just so hard to sit down and relax/ take time for myself when there is laundry to be done, a baby to be played with, and a house that never seems like it's clean enough.

But last night I did. I sat with my husband and watched the Marriage Ref that we had recorded on DVR.

It's amazing what an hour of laughter can do.