Sunday, March 7, 2010

Saying it out loud.


This is going to be a cross post between this blog and a submission for Motherwoman.

Thank you.

Saying it out loud.

After Malone was born, I experienced the baby blues. I spent a few hours each day for about a week crying through my hormones privately on my bed while someone else tended to my baby. I wasn't sure what exactly I was crying about, I just knew that I needed to cry. So I did. And then I felt better about things and my "new" normal began.

My new normal included nursing a baby every few hours, taking whatever sleep I could get, socializing with other mamas and their babies, and savoring growing into motherhood.

I started attending a Motherwoman group when Malone was about six weeks old because I needed a space where I could speak my truths about how challenging growing into motherhood was for me, not because I needed support in navigating postpartum anxiety or depression. I didn't expect to find my niche there, but I did. Bonus.

But this post isn't about that.

More on that another day, promise.

During almost everyday these past few weeks, I have experienced a mix of emotions that I never felt before. I have gone from extreme highs to extreme lows. Days that are spectacular and excellent and days where the smallest things upset me.

I am irrational at times- like this morning when I was crying my eyes out in the lap of my husband because Malone was going down for a nap.

Then it occurred to me.

This is postpartum depression.

I am experiencing postpartum depression.

Through the tears, I said it out loud to my husband.

More tears came.

I fought the tears back as I said it again to a group of mom friends this afternoon at a play date.

I have postpartum depression.

I need help.

I need a least a piece of my old me back. The piece that had days that were steady and strong. I don't want the extremes.

I am scared and nervous because I'm not sure the best way to seek help and treat this.

I'm currently riding a wave of anxiety as I try to figure out my next move.

Thoughts that are swirling...

Will a diet and exercise change help?
Is that enough?
Who do I talk to professionally about this?
Do I call my OB?
Do I call my doctor?
Do I need a therapist?
Will any of them understand?
Do I need medication?

I don't know the answers to any of these questions.

I get plenty of socialization and have tons of people I happily confide in so I'm pretty sure this isn't something I can just talk out.

I am going to reach out to some women I know who have experienced PPD and ask them to help me navigate through this.

So there.

I said it out loud again.

And I promise to report back to you when I figure something out.


  1. I'm so sorry you are going through this but happy that you realized what is going on...I'm praying for you and the decisions that you will make!


  2. I am here if you want to reach out to me. I know exactly what you've found, recognizing that the you are today isn't the you truly are... reading where I've been might help..

    and then my visit to the psychiatrist..

  3. I think in my journey with PPD, verbalizing it was SO important. I think that was the first step in my attempt to feel better. I remember feeling a huge weight being lifted off as I verbalized it.